Welcome Imperfection
I was looking forward to connecting with my client Donna (not her real name) to debrief the results of her Leadership Circle Profile 360 feedback report, so I launched the Zoom meeting and awaited her arrival. She joined shortly thereafter, leaving her camera off.
When I invited Donna to join me on-screen she declined, sharing “I’m just not looking my best today.”
I accepted her decision and we moved on with the call. My instinct that morning came from a latent service mindset, which sought to accommodate my client and make her feel comfortable.
But something about this approach didn’t feel right. As I reflected on it later, I realized that the more powerful coaching mindset would have been to get curious - after all, Donna and I already had an established, trusting relationship and were the only two people on the call. It would have been better to compassionately challenge her thinking.
“What does it mean to not look your best?” I could have asked. “How might that affect the way you will engage in our conversation?”
I happen to know that Donna, an extraordinarily capable C-Suite executive, is (like many of us) grappling with uncertainty about her own talents. Not looking good plays into that narrative, which is more of a myth than a reality. And the only way to dispel that myth is to directly challenge it, as I could have helped her do that day, by encouraging her to briefly turn on the camera, step into the discomfort, and notice what happens.
The point of this story is not to force but to explore: looking good might be a personal value (in which case, honor it), but it might also be an expectation imposed by others (in which case, question it). Much of what holds us back is the pursuit of untenable standards of perfection, so we resist the more powerful alternative - imperfection.
I discovered this for myself when I reflected on situations where I felt I was underperforming and yet things turned out quite well. Two examples involved job interviews where my lackadaisical behavior reflected an initial disinterest in the roles. In both cases I still got the job, and I now think I know why - I was able to care without caring meaning, I was able to let go of the need to succeed/win/be the best and instead just relax, be myself, and be engaged in the conversation.
The ongoing practice for me (and my clients) is to do this with intention – to show up as ourselves, do our best, and let go of any expectations. Something truly powerful happens when we shift our focus away from the internal conversation about perfection (how things should be) and instead welcome the inevitability of imperfection (how things actually are).
As we embark on a new year, I invite you to be kind to yourself and by extension, more tolerant, patient, and curious with your colleagues and companions.
If you’d like to explore, I’m here for you.