When getting it wrong means you’re getting it right
Not everyone knows that I’m a professionally-trained mediator (not to be confused with meditator :-). And not everyone understands why someone like me would voluntarily engage with conflict.
Here’s my why. During two decades as an innovation advisor, I routinely facilitated or co-facilitated high-stakes conversations for clients in a range of industries who were focused on creating future products, services, and experiences. These conversations were naturally ambiguous, potentially risky, and certain to produce an uncertain outcome. They blended the promise of positive change with the threat of individual or organizational failure.
It was territory rich with conflict potential.
Despite all that, our MO was to avoid, rather than to engage, with conflict. The CEO of our firm once explained it to me this way: “Because we focus on the future, designers tend to be optimists; we don’t like conflict.”
The real explanation has less to do with the temperament of designers and more to do with the design of the human brain, which is preoccupied with maximizing rewards and minimizing threats. Thus, conflict is not only a natural part of the creative problem-solving process, it’s a natural part of the human experience.
To get better at navigating conflict wherever it occurs, we must let go of our professional (or personal) identity as “experts.” We must suspend our belief that we have (or should have) all the answers, and resist the temptation to prove our competency by trying to fix everything.
Instead, we should focus on understanding what is truly at stake. One of the skills we rely on in mediation is ‘reflective listening’. Reflective listening is the art of transforming what we hear into something we truly understand. It could sound like this:
“I sense that you’d like to share your ideas in team meetings but have encountered some resistance - did I get that right?”
“I’m hearing that you want to be recognized for what you’re contributing to the project, but you’re not always given credit - did I get that right?”
“It sounds like you’re concerned that the client’s needs are not being met because resources are limited - did I get that right?”
The beauty of reflective listening is that it will yield one of two responses: either a “Yes, that’s right” or “No, that’s not quite it....” We’re often fearful of the latter because it exposes our misunderstanding. But the very act of inquiry conveys an interest in truly hearing the other person - so if you didn’t quite nail it the first time they will provide the missing or clarifying information.
This is how getting it ‘wrong’ means you’re getting it right!
What would be possible if you or your team could approach conflict with an open mind a curious spirit? What if everyone was willing to be ‘wrong’ in order to get things right?