Enter the danger
A new level of workplace insanity was described in a recent New York Times article titled “So, Human Resources is Making You Miserable?”1
Here’s an excerpt:
“Office behavior post-Covid has become notably less civil, which means that H.R. is being called in far more often to referee disputes. Everyone [has] a story about explaining basic etiquette to boorish colleagues. No, you can’t microwave fish at lunch. Stop cutting your toenails on your desk. Don’t bring a gun to the office.”
Oh yeah, plenty to talk about right there. But this next passage is what actually caught my attention:
“There are now so many workplace grievances that companies are calling in outside counsel to investigate more and more internal complaints, producing a robust source of billable hours at law firms.”
Wait, what?
Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience, and the world is certainly full of it these days. Conflict can emerge even in the process of solving daily problems because it reflects the tension between the status quo and something else that’s trying to emerge.
Sadly, the inability to productively engage with conflict is what often stands in the way of making positive change a reality - even if that reality is a better work environment. Do we really need to call in lawyers to resolve disputes over microwaved fish?
It’s the perception of danger.
Conflict with another person or group often stems from different ideas or values, which we subconsciously perceive as a threat to our competence, our identity, or our sense of belonging. The effect of this perceived ‘danger’ is real. Research done by the National Institutes of Health and others has discovered that emotional pain can activate the same stress response in the body as physical pain. Although we have a choice as to how we respond, our default behavior when in conflict often veers towards the extremes of avoidance, accommodation, or aggression. We just want to keep ourselves safe.
What would be possible if...nope, let me rephrase my typical prompt as an imperative not a question. In situations where physical danger is not the issue (that gun example above), it is critical that more of us realize we can resolve the situation by working through it. In fact, the other person is our best resource for resolution - not our boss, and not HR. They have enough on their plates already.
So, what would be possible if we could enter the danger and resolve workplace (and other) disputes amongst ourselves?
It won’t happen by wishing for it. It requires being equipped with a new mindset and a new set of skills. With that objective, I have created a new course on Maven that leverages material I have previously only offered to my private clients. Now open for enrollment, “Enter the Danger: How to Confidently Engage with Conflict” explores why conflict happens, how it can be a useful (not hurtful) aspect of our lives, and how skilled conflict engagement (not avoidance) is the key to strengthening relationships and achieving goals. The course draws on my combined experiences as a designer, educator, professional mediator, and coach to provide the tools needed to handle a variety of challenging conversations. All of the details can be found here. I would be grateful if you would pass them along to those in your network who may benefit from the curriculum.